To whom it may concern,
I wish to apply for the customer experience prodigal employee 2.0 position as recently advertised on all of the job seeking websites ever created.
By now, you must have slogged through a mire of underqualified, blow their own arse trumpet job applications and hoping against hope that my application can be placed in the ‘can interview without a police escort present’ pile. That’s entirely up to you. Personally I would hire me without the interview, but that may be narcissistic bias.
Old people love me. Well, they love my smile. A smile gets you everywhere, they say. I am in complete agreement as I have never failed to get a job once I meet with an employer in person. Unfortunately, I cannot use my smile on you without being deemed a ‘stalker’, so I have to utilise my impressive communication skills to convince you that I will not cause your company to implode. Luckily for you, your company could be run by chimps and still bring in a steady cash flow. I am quite certain I would bring in even more cash, as I don’t have the tendency to fling my own poop at people. I can also speak English good, so no worries that I won’t be able to help your customers with their concerns.
I have a Bachelor in Environmental Science and a dual diploma in Conservation and Land Management/Sustainability. Don’t worry though, I won’t be leaving your company for a career in the industry. After over three years of volunteer work I have yet to receive a single contract. Turns out rich people pay to do what I studied six years to do. It’s time to accept the fact that a degree stands for nothing in the modern age and I am, in fact, actually only qualified to work in administration or retail.
This is where you are in luck, my friend and future employer. In order to maintain my extreme university lifestyle I worked the shit kicker jobs. I can guarantee that I have already dealt with whatever crap your customer cares to fling. I will deal with that crap with the smarmiest of smiles and assure the chimp that their concerns are legitimate. I will personally ensure that they leave your store with fond memories of the girl who would pull the sun closer so that their day shines just a little brighter. You will gain more wealth by taking me into your employment.
Because let’s be realistic, it’s all about money. I want to earn a living. So do you. Does it matter that I don’t give a diddly fuck about what you’re selling? No. What matters is that I can pretend that your product is the best thing since cavemen discovered sliced bread.
Remember, I know what you’re going through. You are praying that someday hell will have a spot available so you can leave this shit hole of a place for greener pastures. It is my greatest wish that you do not look back upon this moment and regret passing up on a great opportunity. I can get you into hell. No strings attached.
I hope that this application is sufficient for the position and I look forward to hearing from you.