We had recently moved into our latest rental property and I was feeling domestic. I decided to cook – not a regularity I assure you. Off I trot, picking up all the ingredients and feeling very motivated. I start slicing my vegies first, get them out of the way before I use the knife on the chicken. I move onto the chilli, holding it as the knife sliced through its red centre, spilling juice all over my fingers.
My eye became itchy, and stupid, idiotic, moronic, absolute dullard that I was, I scratched it with chilli juice all over my fingers. If this has not happened to you, I cannot begin to describe the pain that emanated from my eye. It was like the chilli had stuck a knife in my eye and was digging it out as payback.
Bawling my eyes out, I head straight for the backyard, where The Partner was working on his car. Before I got there though, due to a slight issue of blindness, I walked straight into the edge of the door. Now I’m not sure what happened but one second my forehead was colliding with the metal, the next I’m on my hands and knees on the rough concrete outside, blind as a bat with an odd tingling sensation on my forehead.
The Partner rushes over, all concern until I explain through anguished breaths what had happened to me. He burst out laughing and directed me into the shower, where I turned on the cold full blast and stood there, clothes and all, attempting to wash out the bastard acid from hell out of my eye. The pain came in waves, causing me to have episodic mini seizures, but the cold water helped.
Ten minutes later, still blind, the pain becomes small enough that I could leave the shower and I slumped on the couch until I regained my vision. I looked in the mirror, seeing that half of my face was red and blotchy from the chilli of death and on my forehead a lump was already forming, a nice little gash streaked across it. And that was the most pain I’ve ever been.
Please tell me you’ve been in more pain. Actually, I don’t want to know if there is more pain in the world to be experienced than a chilli to the eye and a door to the head.