Hire me?

To whom it may concern,

I wish to apply for the customer experience prodigal employee 2.0 position as recently advertised on all of the job seeking websites ever created.

By now, you must have slogged through a mire of underqualified, blow their own arse trumpet job applications and hoping against hope that my application can be placed in the ‘can interview without a police escort present’ pile.  That’s entirely up to you.  Personally I would hire me without the interview, but that may be narcissistic bias.

Old people love me.  Well, they love my smile.  A smile gets you everywhere, they say. I am in complete agreement as I have never failed to get a job once I meet with an employer in person.  Unfortunately, I cannot use my smile on you without being deemed a ‘stalker’, so I have to utilise my impressive communication skills to convince you that I will not cause your company to implode.  Luckily for you, your company could be run by chimps and still bring in a steady cash flow.  I am quite certain I would bring in even more cash, as I don’t have the tendency to fling my own poop at people.  I can also speak English good, so no worries that I won’t be able to help your customers with their concerns.

I have a Bachelor in Environmental Science and a dual diploma in Conservation and Land Management/Sustainability.  Don’t worry though, I won’t be leaving your company for a career in the industry.  After over three years of volunteer work I have yet to receive a single contract.  Turns out rich people pay to do what I studied six years to do.  It’s time to accept the fact that a degree stands for nothing in the modern age and I am, in fact, actually only qualified to work in administration or retail.

This is where you are in luck, my friend and future employer.  In order to maintain my extreme university lifestyle I worked the shit kicker jobs.  I can guarantee that I have already dealt with whatever crap your customer cares to fling.  I will deal with that crap with the smarmiest of smiles and assure the chimp that their concerns are legitimate.  I will personally ensure that they leave your store with fond memories of the girl who would pull the sun closer so that their day shines just a little brighter.  You will gain more wealth by taking me into your employment.

Because let’s be realistic, it’s all about money.  I want to earn a living.  So do you.  Does it matter that I don’t give a diddly fuck about what you’re selling?  No.  What matters is that I can pretend that your product is the best thing since cavemen discovered sliced bread.

Remember, I know what you’re going through.  You are praying that someday hell will have a spot available so you can leave this shit hole of a place for greener pastures.  It is my greatest wish that you do not look back upon this moment and regret passing up on a great opportunity.  I can get you into hell.  No strings attached.

I hope that this application is sufficient for the position and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Kate Turville

Back in Black…

Corporate black that is.

That’s right, I the infinitely jobless Kate Turville, have finally managed to wrangle a job.  It took six months, but that’s what happens in an uncertain climate.  I’ve ended up somewhere I never expected to be: the city.  I am now one in the masses that make their way into that jungle of skyscrapers and coffee houses to squint at a computer behind a desk for hours on end.  I don’t mind it as much as I expected, besides the constant body odour on public transport, being shoved every which way walking down the street, and the ever present feeling of guilt as I walk past the homeless with their hands outstretched.  Yep, I’m a corporate.

But that’s not the reason I’ve vanished from the blogosphere for the last month and a half.  That has to do with a certain Xbox One eating our data limit and trouble trying to switch to a company that will give us unlimited data.  But now I’m back and very much happy to be here.  I just have to flex my writing muscles a little.  They’ve diminished to the size of a pea and seem content to stay that size.  Will power is key here.

To all my loyal friends and followers, I’m sorry for the silence and hope to make it up to you one post at a time.  It’s not too late is it?  I’ll bake you cookies… 🙂

Is bribery for loyalty illegal?